Am I the Toxic One? 3 Questions to Find Out

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Am I the toxic one in my relationship?”—this post is for you. That gnawing self-doubt, the relentless ping-ponging between “Was it me?” and “Am I the problem?” can leave you feeling drained, broken, and stuck in an endless loop of self-questioning.

I know this spiral well. I’ve been there, convincing myself I was the one ruining everything, diving headfirst into therapy and self-help books to “fix” myself. Spoiler alert: the real issue wasn’t me. And if you’re here, I want you to know—it’s probably not you either. Let’s break this down together.

Listen to the full episode "Am I The Toxic One? 3 Simple Questions To Find Out If You're The Narcissist In Your Relationship" here!

Why This Question Comes Up

When disagreements spin out of control, voices are raised, and you leave feeling confused, heavy, and wrong—it’s natural to wonder, “Is this my fault?” Sometimes, toxic dynamics in a relationship can convince you that you’re the problem, especially if your partner is labeling you as such.

But questioning yourself like this? It’s actually a sign that you’re not the toxic one. Let’s unpack why.

The Three Questions to Ask Yourself

These questions will help you separate fact from self-doubt.

1. Do I take accountability for what’s mine?

   
   Owning up to mistakes is crucial in any relationship. If you can admit when you’re wrong—like apologizing after yelling or recognizing where your past wounds show up in the present—you’re already miles ahead. Accountability is a cornerstone of healthy relationships, and toxic people often can’t or won’t do this.

   
   “Taking accountability isn’t about blame—it’s about growth. Can you own your part and still move forward?”
   
   

2. Can I empathize with others?

   
   Toxic people lack empathy, but if you’re here asking these questions, I’m betting you’re full of it. Empathy means stepping into someone else’s shoes, understanding their feelings, and approaching them with curiosity and care.

   
   “Empathy is seeing the world through someone else’s eyes—even when they’ve stepped on your toes in the dance of relationships.”
   
   

3. Am I actively working to improve myself and my relationships?

    
   Whether it’s through therapy, coaching, listening to podcasts (hi!), or reading self-help books, the fact that you’re taking steps to grow speaks volumes. Toxic people rarely seek growth because they don’t believe they need to change.

   
   “The fact that you’re even asking this question shows you’re growing, not toxic.”
   
   

Here’s the Truth: You’re Not the Toxic One

If you answered “yes” to these questions, you’re not the problem. Toxic people don’t self-reflect, take accountability, or actively seek to improve themselves or their relationships. The very act of questioning yourself—no matter how painful—means you’re open to growth and healing.

“Being toxic means stopping growth. Asking ‘Am I toxic?’ is proof you’re thriving.”

What’s Next?

When you stop judging yourself and start meeting yourself with compassion, everything shifts. Compassion helps regulate your nervous system, rebuild self-esteem, and reconnect with your intuition. From this place, you can make clearer decisions about your relationship, boundaries, and next steps.

But remember—this is a process. Learning to navigate relationships in a healthier way takes time and practice. Wherever you are on this journey, it’s okay to be here.

Keep Learning

For more on navigating relationship dynamics and attachment styles, check out episode 22 of my podcast "Am I Anxiously Attached or In the Wrong Relationship? How to Move Towards Secure Attachment & Healthy Relationships With Eli Harwood".

And if you’re ready to take the next step in healing and clarity, I’d love to hear from you. Fill out my interest form here to explore how we can work together.

Parting Wisdom

You’re not alone in this. Keep asking the questions, keep showing up for yourself, and remember:

“You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be willing to grow.”

You’ve got this.