How Did I Not See It? Making Sense of Betrayal in a Narcissistic Relationship

If you’ve ever sat on your couch, staring into the void of your living room, wondering how the hell did I not see this coming?—welcome. You’re in good company. And by good company, I mean the thousands (millions?) of women who have been left untangling the mess of a narcissistic relationship, trying to make sense of the betrayal that just smacked them in the face.

Today, we’re diving into one of the most brain-melting aspects of narcissistic relationships: betrayal. And not just oh-he-flirted-with-a-waitress betrayal—we’re talking double life, secret families, missing money, gaslighting-level betrayal. Because that’s what Lizzie and Deana, the guests on this episode, went through. Oh, and small detail: They were both married to the same man.

Yep. Same man. Same mind games. Same wreckage.

So, if you’re here wondering how you didn’t see the betrayal coming, how to warn the next woman (or if you even should), and what the healing process looks like after your trust has been incinerated, let’s get into it.

Listen to the full episode "How Did I Not See It? Making Sense Of Betrayal In Your Narcissistic Relationship with The Matadoras" here!

Wait... We Were Married to the Same Man?!

Lizzie and Deana’s story is what happens when a narcissist’s web of lies gets so tangled that the women he manipulated end up finding each other—and, instead of turning against each other, they band together.

Lizzie was married to RX (yes, they gave him a nickname, and yes, it fits) for six years. Deana was with him for 26. And somewhere in between, there was a third woman, who also had no clue what was going on.

Lizzie describes the moment she realized something was off:

“One thing started going really weird for me. I got locked out of accounts. He was disappearing at strange times. There was no money. It was just a plethora of stuff that was going on. And finally, I got to the breaking point.”

So she did what any woman trying to piece together the insanity would do: She reached out to Deana’s son. And within minutes, Deana texted her saying, “I understand what you're going through. It’s not you. It’s him.”

Cue the unraveling of everything.

Should You Warn the Next Woman?

Ah, the age-old debate: Do I warn her? Do I let her figure it out? Do I risk looking like the “crazy ex”?

When Lizzie and Deana discovered there was a third woman, they debated the same thing. Lizzie found love letters with dates—proof that RX had been leading a double life. They knew they had to tell her, but how?

“We knew we had one shot. So we waited until we had enough information, enough proof, and then reached out in the most careful way possible.”

At first, the third woman (we’ll call her Jane) was in shock. She had just married him and had no clue what she had stepped into. But within days, she had RX escorted off her property by police, annulled the marriage, and changed the locks.

That’s the power of planting a seed. Even if she had initially rejected the warning, it gave her something to consider. And eventually, it saved her.

“How Did I Not See This?”

If you’ve been betrayed like this, you’ve probably spent a lot of time blaming yourself. Thinking, How did I not see it? How did I stay for so long?

Deana and Lizzie have an answer for you:

“Because you’re a good person. And good people don’t see manipulation coming.”

Let that sink in.

Narcissists and toxic partners study us. They know how to mirror our values, our dreams, our kindness. They embed themselves into our lives so deeply that by the time we realize something is wrong, we’re already drowning in their deception. And when we do call them out, they pivot. They cry. They promise therapy. They swear on their mother’s grave that they’ll change.

And we, being the hopeful, loving, deeply empathetic women we are, believe them.

It’s not because you were stupid. It’s because you loved. And there is nothing wrong with that.

Healing from Betrayal Trauma

Betrayal trauma is more than heartbreak—it’s a psychological earthquake. Your trust in everything feels shattered. And healing? It takes time. A lot of it.

Lizzie describes it like this:

“You have a hard time separating the betrayal from the good memories. You wonder, was any of it real? But the truth is, both things can exist at once. You can have loved someone who lied to you. You can have had good times with someone who was betraying you. It doesn’t mean you were wrong to love. It just means it’s time to heal.”

And healing looks different for everyone, but some key takeaways from this episode include:

• Surround yourself with people who love you. Even if you feel like a disaster, let them hold space for you.

• Give yourself permission to grieve. The only way out is through.

• Don’t try to understand the “why.” As Deana put it: “I finally realized I wouldn’t ever get the answers I wanted. And that’s okay.”

• Move at your own pace. Healing isn’t linear. Some days you’ll feel strong. Others, you’ll feel wrecked. Both are valid.

And above all? Give yourself grace. You did the best you could with the information you had. Now, it’s time to move forward.

Final Thoughts: You’re Not Alone

If this episode hit close to home, I want you to know: You are not alone. You are not crazy. You are not unlovable. You are not broken.

You are a woman who gave her heart to someone who didn’t deserve it. And that’s on them. Not you.

And if you want to hear more about the signs of deception and how to understand betrayal trauma, I highly recommend listening to Episode 47: Was Any Of It Real? Signs You've Been Deceived In A Narcissistic Relationship & How To Finally Understand The Heartbreak with Hilary Buckwalter-Wilde. You’ll find so much validation in her story, too.

If you’re ready to work through the heartbreak and reclaim your peace, I’d love to support you. Let’s do this together:

💌 Want to work with me? Fill out this interest form and let’s chat about how I can support you.

🌍 Explore The Matadoras: www.thematadoras.com for more insights and resources.

🎧 Looking for more support? Check out other episodes for expert advice on healing from betrayal trauma and rebuilding your confidence.

You are worthy of peace. You are worthy of love. You are worthy of a life without betrayal.

And I promise—you’re going to be okay. ❤️