How Unhealed Attachment Wounds Lead to Addictive Toxic Relationships

"Our attachment system looks at mom and dad and says, ‘If I get too far away from these two people, I could die.’ And then, in adulthood, our brains do the same thing—with partners we should absolutely be running from.” – Heidi Dike Kingston

If you’ve ever found yourself staring at your phone, waiting for a text from someone who treats you like an afterthought—or worse, convincing yourself that this time they’ll change—you might be dealing with some unhealed attachment wounds.

And listen, I get it. Those wounds run deep. So deep, in fact, that they keep us stuck in relationships that are more about survival than love. Because when our earliest relationships were inconsistent, neglectful, or downright painful, our nervous system learns to associate love with chaos.

Let’s talk about it.

Listen to the full episode "How Unhealed Attachment Wounds Lead to Addictive Toxic Relationships with Heidi Dike Kingston (Part 1)" here!

Attachment Wounds: The OG Saboteurs of Love

"The problem occurs in our grown-up lives when there has been inconsistency or abuse. Even when we know someone is horrible for us, our brain literally goes to war with itself trying to keep us attached." – Heidi Dike Kingston

Attachment wounds start early. If your childhood looked like a masterclass in emotional neglect, enmeshment, or never knowing which version of a parent you'd get that day, those wounds didn’t just disappear. They became the blueprint for your relationships.

And if you’ve ever wondered, "Why do I keep ending up with emotionally unavailable people?"—well, surprise! Your attachment system is running the show.

You’re not choosing toxic relationships. Your body is seeking what it knows. Even if that means:

✔️ Settling for the bare minimum because “at least they’re trying”
✔️ Being more emotionally invested in someone’s potential than who they actually are
✔️ Feeling physically ill at the thought of leaving—even when you know you should

Sound familiar? Keep reading.

The Fear of Being Alone: Why It’s Keeping You Stuck

"My core belief was that I couldn’t be alone. That if I just found the right person, my life would be better, I’d be safe, and everything would be okay. And that was a lie.” – Heidi Dike Kingston

Oof. Let’s talk about it.

That deep, gnawing fear of being alone? It’s not because you’re actually doomed to be single forever. It’s because your nervous system equates aloneness with danger.

When we grow up without secure, consistent love, our brains decide that any connection is better than no connection. And so, we tolerate relationships that are:

💔 One-sided
💔 Painful
💔 Based on a fantasy rather than reality

Because at least if we have someone, we won’t have to face the real fear: Ourselves.

The Fantasy Trap: How Holding Onto “Potential” Keeps You Stuck

"Fantasy had been a survival tool for me since childhood. I could create a whole relationship in my mind before the first date was even over.” – Heidi Dike Kingston

If you’ve ever looked at someone who consistently disappoints you and thought, "But if they just healed… if they just worked on themselves… if they could just see how much I love them…"

Congratulations. You’re dating their potential.

And here’s the kicker: Potential is not a real relationship. 🚨

When we fixate on what could be, we ignore what is. And what is might be:

❌ Someone who says they love you but never follows through
❌ Someone who keeps you in an endless loop of hope and disappointment
❌ Someone who is emotionally unavailable but gives you just enough to keep you hooked

The antidote? Seeing things clearly. And then choosing yourself.

So… What Now? How to Break Free

"Until we heal, we will stay in those really unhealthy relationships and roles. But we can course-correct. We can heal.” – Heidi Dike Kingston

If you’re reading this and thinking, "Well, shit. Now what?", don’t worry—I got you.

The way out of these patterns isn’t about willpower. It’s about healing.

🔍 Step 1: Awareness – Start recognizing your patterns. Are you choosing people who are emotionally unavailable? Are you excusing bad behavior because you’re afraid to be alone?

🤗 Step 2: Community – Healing happens in relationships. Find support from people who see you and understand you.

🩺 Step 3: Professional Support – Therapy, coaching, EFT tapping (hi, it’s me 👋), and recovery groups can help rewire your nervous system so that healthy love starts feeling normal.

You don’t have to stay stuck. You don’t have to settle. And you sure as hell don’t have to keep chasing the same old unavailable people hoping for a different outcome.

Real love—the kind that feels safe, steady, and good—exists. And it starts with healing yourself first.

You Are So Worthy of More

I know this stuff isn’t easy. Healing attachment wounds is messy, painful, and will probably make you question everything you thought you knew about love. But I promise you this:

It is so worth it.

The version of you who no longer tolerates breadcrumbs?

Who feels safe standing on her own two feet?

Who finally—finally—experiences what healthy love feels like?

She’s waiting for you.

And you don’t have to do it alone.

If you need support, here are some resources to get started:

💻 Learn more about Heidi’s work: heidikingston.com
🛑 Support for betrayal trauma: APSATS
👶 Support for adult children of dysfunctional families: ACA
🤝 Find a community of support: SLAA
💬 Want to work with me? Fill out my interest form

You’ve got this. And I’ve got you. 💛