Trauma Bonding: What It Really Is & How to Avoid It

The phrase trauma bonding has become popular with the rise of awareness around narcissism, yet often I hear people referring to trauma bonding in the wrong way. It is spoken of as an oversharing of vulnerable information, often too early on in dating...which is incorrect.

If you’ve ever been trauma bonded, you know that it is so much more than that. It is a psychologically painful experience that accompanies abusive relationships.

So I'm here to help educate on what trauma bonding is and how you can avoid it in your next relationship (along with toxic relationships in general) so that you can get out of these shitty cycles!

“The people we find most charismatic are subconsciously triggering us to fall back into old, negative family patterns. … this kind of instant chemistry can be a danger sign, indicating that self-defeating roles from childhood are being reactivated beneath the surface.”

- A quote by Jeffery Young in the book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents written by Lindsay C. Gibson

What Trauma Bonding Is

Trauma bonding explains why we feel unconsciously magnetized to people who hurt us and why we feel incapable of leaving them.

This term was first coined by Patrick Carnes, PhD in 1997 in his work titled, “Trauma Bonds, Why People Bond to Those Who Hurt Them.” He defines it as a bond between two people where the victim has a psychological response to abuse which develops into love. Meaning...the victim has been accustomed (because of similar experiences in childhood) to expect pain, abuse, neglect, and/or dysfunction when they feel love. Because the victim NEEDS this connection to remain intact due to a survival instinct (more on this below), they also often feel immense sympathy and empathy for the abuser and will go to great lengths to maintain the relationship despite the pain they experience.

It is a type of repetitive compulsion in which we unconsciously attempt to relive a past emotional experience (wound) in order to find a resolution. We are drawn to the familiar people and experiences from our childhood in an attempt for us to heal these attachment traumas as an adult - when really what we do is retraumatize ourselves with no resolve.

Who is Susceptible to Trauma Bonding?

Those who grew up with primary caregivers (aka attachment figures) who were abusive or neglectful are the most susceptible because they have been conditioned to associate love with unhealthy behavior. 

Children in these environments form neural connections that associate love with pain, and this creates their template for relationships moving forward. These children will continue to turn toward hurtful caregivers out of survival because they are dependent on them, regardless of how they are being treated. So, they will continue to move toward an attachment figure even when undergoing abuse or neglect, while a protective part of them begins to rationalize their attachment figure's behavior and/or taking the blame upon themselves. 

What Trauma Bonding Feels Like

Despite the common misidentification, trauma bonding does not just feel like an oversharing of vulnerable information. These relationships describe an ignition of one's deepest attachment wound, which threatens their sense of security in the world.

It can feel frustrating to understand why you keep going back to the person who is hurting you and it can feel impossible to imagine life without them. People who are trauma bonded are locked in neurologically, needing to maintain their connection to the abuser. This mirrors their same desperate need for their caregiver who was abusive or neglectful when they were young.

People who are drawn to abusers who have a familiarity to their trauma often describe these relationships as:

• A soul mate connection they've been longing for their whole life
• A specialness that they've never had before
• One in a million - "I'll never find anyone like them again."
• Indescribable, they can't put their finger on why they feel so deeply attached
• Love at first sight

Idealization

Trauma bonded relationships are based in idealization. The victim is consistently putting the abuser on a pedestal and making excuses for their hurtful, inappropriate and/or disrespectful behavior. Because the victim has placed the utmost importance on this relationship, there is also a hyper focus they have to the abuser's wants and needs. They will do almost anything to please them, including going against their own values, family, friends and individual needs.

Maintaining the connection becomes priority, even at the detriment to their physical, emotional, spiritual, financial and psychological health.

A Euphoric High 

A wave of euphoric chemistry accompanies these trauma bonded relationships where fear and desire are conflated with connection and vulnerability. Victims feel intensely "connected" to their abuser believing they are their soulmate, yet there is no sense of stability, security or safety. Because pain is associated with love in their neural chemistry, it feels normal to receive a baseline of mistreatment, along with fleeting moments of sex and desire.

A Rollercoaster

Following the euphoric physical connection are the devastating lows. The high highs are so intoxicating that they will erase the severity of the lowest lows in the victim's eyes. The very act of waiting for the next moment of "connection" releases dopamine and can shield them from the pain of their reality. 

After a low, the abuser will often make false promises or overwhelm the victim with affection. Oxytocin is then released, which feels especially euphoric after periods of neglect. This then re-establishes the bond further.

The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding 

Trauma bonding almost always will lead into an abusive cycle. There are 7 stages of trauma bonding to become familiar with to help you identify if you’re in it or have experienced this in the past.

Determining an accurate experience is vital in helping you to find the appropriate support to heal from these types of traumatic relationships. Childhood trauma will prime a person to become trauma bonded in adulthood, and these toxic relationships compound that trauma.

1) Love Bombing

Love bombing is the intense overwhelming flood of desire and attention that the abuser will give to the victim in the beginning of the trauma bonding stages. They abuser will idealize you. They will oversaturate you with all the things you have been seeking and make it seem like they are Prince Charming in your happily ever after. The intention of this phase is to give you too much too soon to manipulatively create a bond based in admiration.

It can look like:

• Texts all day long telling you they are in love with you, or how incredible you are, and/or showering you with compliments and things you've told them you've always wished you would hear from a man
• A feeling of obsession where they only want you to spend your time with them. The two of you being consumed with only one another in ways where you neglect your work, friendships, hobbies and family
• Gifts, big or small. This can look like them buying you things that don't align with the length of time that you've been together (expensive jewelry, trips, extravagant flower displays, furniture etc.)
• Declaring their love for you after a few short weeks, moving in quickly, proposing before you've moved through the natural stages of dating, meeting one another's friends and family and getting to know each other on a deeper emotional level
• Essentially, it's too much too soon

2) Trust and Dependency

In this stage, the abuser will begin to test your loyalty. They will often start to make promises that they won't fulfill in order to see if you will question them or try to hold them accountable. If you do, they will guilt trip you by reminding you of all the wonderful things they did for you in the love bombing phase. They will then begin to pull away and watch as you run after them, apologize profusely, and beg for them to not be angry with you.

3) Criticism

This is the stage where you really feel the shift from the euphoric love bombing to your painful reality. The abuser will begin to pick at all of the qualities you shared about yourself when you were being vulnerable with them in the beginning. If you told them you were sensitive about your weight because you battled an eating disorder when you were younger, they will start to comment that you are too big and need to get to the gym. Similarly, they will say things like, "you're too emotional" or "stop creating problems, I thought you were different from other crazy women." Things suddenly become all your fault, and because this is so baffling from how they treated you in the love bomb phase, often the victim will move into self-blame.

4) Gaslighting

If you've ever repeatedly thought, "Am I crazy?" you may have experienced gaslighting. In general, gaslighting refers to a manipulation tactic used to make you question your reality, perception, intelligence or sanity. The victim of gaslighting will leave conversations more confused than clear, usually thinking things are all their fault. This can lead you to indeed thinking something is wrong with you, by which the abuser will support you in seeking help for your "problems."

This can look like:

• The abuser acting like a fight never happened (even though there was no resolve) by saying something like, "We already talked about this, drop it already."
• The abuser making false accusations - I.e., accusing you of cheating when they are really the one betraying you
• You bringing up something you are upset about and them getting upset at you for being upset (therefore blame shifting and making it your fault)

5) Resignation

With the overwhelm, utter confusion and bewildering abandonment the victim feels from the previous painful stages, often they will shut down and simply yield to the abuser's demands. They will do anything to stop rocking the boat and restabilize the relationship in hopes the abuser won't leave them. The self-blame amplifies and the victim will go to great lengths to try to fix the relationship.

6) Loss of Self

The victim's sole focus turns toward their abuser and they lose sight of their identity outside of the relationship. They no longer have the confidence to try to set boundaries or speak their needs. They have lost their light and their self-esteem has been fully chipped away. Often shame accompanies this stage of the trauma bond cycle and they will isolate from their previous support networks. This relationship and the connection they feel to the abuser is so vital to maintain (for their inner child's sense of "safety") that they can't imagine losing it.

7) Emotional Addiction to Cycle

Feeling like a shell of the person they were, victims begin to desperately long for connection and attachment. At this point, the abuser may make an outward attempt at an apology, promising a better future if they can just put the past behind them. Because the victim is starving, they will take these crumbs - putting their entire life in the hands of the hope it will be different this time. 

As the victim gets sucked in again, the cycle continues and perpetuates which reinforces the self-blame, loss of self, and isolation. 

How to Avoid Trauma Bonding

If you have been trauma bonded, there is hope for you! I have come through to the otherwise, and although it wasn't pretty, it was so damn worth it.

With intentional self-work and a safe space with a coach, therapist or other practitioner you can shift away from these relationships for good.

How to avoid trauma bonding:

• Become aware of your trauma and your patterns (in my coaching program, Becoming there is an entire module dedicated to finding clarity about your childhood and how we relive chaos so you can heal those wounds and become the woman you want to be) 

• Learn how to set boundaries put time into building your self-esteem, and begin to stand behind your non-negotiables (another module we cover in depth in Becoming)

• When dating or in a relationship continually check in and ask yourself, "How safe do I feel with this person emotionally, physically, spiritually, energetically?"

• Get into the practice of being able to name specific things that feel good to you about the person you are with (I.e, they hold safe space for you to communicate, they make an active attempt to get to know your friends and family, they honor your boundaries, etc.), and check in with yourself regularly to see if anything has changed.

 
You are not alone, and do not have to try to untangle this by yourself.

Working with women to heal from this type of mindf*ck is what I live for, and I would be so honored to hold space while you move through this pain and find yourself again. You can find an interest form to explore working together here.