Why Narcissists Manipulate (and How to Protect Yourself from Their Tricks)

Ah, narcissists. The word alone probably makes your stomach churn. If you’ve ever dealt with one, you know exactly what I’m talking about. In this week’s blog post and episode of Heartbreak to Wholeness, we’re diving into the mind games, manipulation, and madness of narcissistic relationships with James Marrugo, a narcissism expert who’s seen it all.

Let’s be clear: this isn’t just about diagnosing your ex or coworker as “totally NPD.” (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) It’s about understanding the why behind their behaviors and, more importantly, learning how to protect yourself from their emotional chess game.

Ready to reclaim your power? Let’s go.

Listen to the full episode "Why Narcissists Manipulate & How To Protect Yourself From Getting Trapped with Narcissism Expert James Marrugo" here!

Narcissists: Masters of Manipulation

First things first, not every person who’s selfish or self-absorbed is a full-blown narcissist. James broke it down beautifully in the episode: narcissism exists on a spectrum. While Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is rare—affecting around 6-7% of the population—narcissistic traits? Oh, those are everywhere.

What matters most isn’t the diagnosis but how you feel around the person. As James explains:

"What matters more than the diagnosis is how you feel around that person. Pay attention to how you feel in your body."

If you’re constantly second-guessing yourself, feeling drained, or walking on eggshells, you’ve got some data worth paying attention to.

Why Do Narcissists Manipulate?

Let’s get into the psychology (because knowledge = power). Narcissists are fundamentally insecure and lack empathy. But here’s the kicker: they’re incredibly good at masking those insecurities. Think of them as emotional chess masters who’ve spent their entire lives perfecting their craft.

"When you take a person and remove all of the emotion, all you have is logic," James says. "Narcissists use logic and strategy to outwit, outplay, and manipulate everyone around them. It’s survival to them.”

They manipulate for survival, validation, and control. Everything—from their charm to their coldness—is a strategy to get their needs met, often at your expense. And if you’re wondering, “Why didn’t I see it?”—don’t. You’re up against a pro who’s spent decades honing their manipulation game.

The Red Flags to Watch For

Feeling confused? That’s the gaslighting.
Swept off your feet too soon? That’s the love bombing.
Isolated from your friends and family? That’s intentional.
Noticing they don’t have long-term friendships themselves? Another clue.

"You know you’re being gaslit," James explains, "when every time you bring up an issue, they somehow make it your fault. They’ll spin it so logically that you start believing you deserve the punishment."

One of the biggest takeaways from this episode is to pay attention to how you feel around someone. Your body is like an internal alarm system—if something feels off, trust it. Seriously.

Can You Have a Relationship with a Narcissist?

Technically, yes. James explained that it’s possible to stay with a narcissist, but your happiness will likely be proportional to how far up the narcissism spectrum they are.

"If someone is an 8 out of 10 on the narcissistic scale, there’s an 80% chance you’ll be unhappy in the relationship," James advises.

If leaving isn’t an option—say, you share kids—strategies like gray rocking (keeping your reactions flat and robotic) can help. But long-term happiness often requires creating distance and setting ironclad boundaries.

How to Leave a Narcissist (Without Getting Sucked Back In)

Here’s the thing about leaving a narcissist: it’s not just about packing your bags. They don’t like to lose control, and their narcissistic rage can make the exit tricky. That’s why James recommends creating a logical, strategic plan (basically, out-chess the chess master).

"You have to play a chess match with the narcissist, not to win the game, but to exit the match unharmed," he says.

1. Set boundaries—and stick to them.
2. Cut off communication—block them, mute them, don’t engage.
3. Get support—a therapist, a trusted friend, anyone who can help you stay grounded.
4. Plan every detail—from your finances to where you’ll stay, leave nothing to chance.

You Are Not Alone

Being in a narcissistic relationship can make you feel like you’re living in a fog. But here’s the truth: it’s not your fault. You didn’t “fail” to see the red flags—they’re masters of hiding them.

"Don’t ever play chess with a narcissist," James warns. "They’ve spent decades practicing. The only way to win is to leave the game entirely."

The fact that you’re here, reading this, and seeking clarity? That’s your win.

Take it one step at a time. Gather data. Trust your gut. And if you’re ready to reclaim your peace, know that there’s a community of people (myself included) who’ve got your back.

A Final Word of Encouragement

James wrapped up our conversation with a message that I want you to hear loud and clear:

"Trust your instincts. Your body is designed to keep you alive, even if your mind tries to talk you out of it. If something feels off, it probably is."

And if you need support along the way? I’m here. Fill out the interest form or check out Episode 47, where we dive even deeper into recognizing and recovering from narcissistic relationships.

You’ve got this. 💛

Want to turn confusion about narcissism into clarity? Listen to the full episode here.